Saturday, April 21, 2007

You Ain't Going Nowhere

So, yesterday I was feeling relatively little pain so I braved the outside world and drove to Chapel Hill for my radio show. And then I drove to work and put in a full day's work. I ended the day having dinner and drinks at Alivia's with Maggie. I hadn't been to Alivia's yet and heard mixed reviews. Overall, it was great... service was not the best, but my margarita was awesome and the grapefruit champagne pie was delicious. And it was fun to catch up with Maggie. Last night, the Brightleaf area was so crowded that we had to park pretty far away and walk to the restaurant. My foot was feeling kinda tingly during dinner, but overall, I was proud that I made it through the day.

In my head, my goal was to get strong enough to get out of the house and be somewhat "normal" before I ended my Ross McElwee documentary marathon. I was happy that I had reached my goal yesterday... I was out and about and I still hadn't watched Bright Leaves yet. I felt like I had beaten my nemesis: my ankle.

I was wrong.

This morning, I woke to a little bit of pain and headed to the bathroom. As I have the past two mornings, I hobbled without the cast or crutches. (I put the crutches in the closet on Thursday, because I felt like I didn't need them anymore.) As I stepped into the dining room this morning, I realized that I could no longer walk. Putting even the slightest bit of weight on the fractured/sprained foot caused excruciating pain... Pain so horrible that I wished I had filled the pain medication prescription my doctor gave me. I didn't know what to do. The closest dining room chair was at least three steps away. My cast was in the living room. I had no choice but to get down on my knees and crawl the rest of the way. I then crawled back to bed and just laid there and cried.

I finally got up and crawled to the foyer closet to retrieve the crutches. Crawling really hurts my knees. I had to then crawl with the crutches to the closest chair, because I couldn't get up off the floor. After the ibuprofen eased some of the pain, I decided to take a shower. I suffered through it and now I am back in my chair.

So many emotions were stirred up this morning. Mostly revolving around helplessness. I don't like asking people to do things for me. Thank goodness for my dad who offers his assistance so freely. My mom and dad are at a luncheon in Chapel Hill today and are coming by afterwards. I am just waiting for them to get here so that they can bring me a glass of water and a sandwich.

Sitting here in my polka-dotted chair, I think about my grandmother who was pretty helpless towards the end of her life. She had around-the-clock sitters who helped her get up in the morning, made her meals, cleaned the house, etc. I remember that she had a spot on her couch where she would sit every day. There were tissues, the remote, papers, pencils, the telephone, her purse, all the things that she needed placed strategically all around her on the couch. I can't help but think about her while I sit in my polka-dotted chair surrounded by my own things: my purse, my mobile phone, my laptop, my remotes. It scared me to see my grandmother like that. It scares me to be helpless like that, too.

I've been sitting here in silence just looking out the window. I've been watching the breakfast crowd go in and out of the Mexican restaurant. Lots of folks have been walking down to the grocery. There were two guys who were walking by eating some sort of meat jerky out of a big plastic pouch. I'm waiting to see two of my favorite Lakewood characters go by. One of them is this very happy little man with a grocery cart who always smiles and waves to everyone who walks or drives by. There is another guy who pimps out bikes by duct taping car steering wheels and boom boxes to them and then spray painting his creation. He tried to sell me one last year for $75.

I am sad that I cannot go anywhere. I want to go outside. I want to go to the Farmers Market. I want to go to a party this afternoon. I want to go to marching band practice. I can't.

So, I guess I'll admit defeat. I tried to beat my ankle yesterday, and my ankle has put me back in my place. But once I finish Bright Leaves, I'll need to find another DVD box set to begin another marathon. I have a Fred and Ginger box set, but I have seen all those movies multiple times. I have a Busby Berkeley box set, but the stories are so lame, I just fast-forward to the dance numbers and I am not in the mood. Maybe I'll order the Stan Brakhage Anthology or something by DA Pennebaker. Or maybe I'll practice my banjo uke.

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